Monsters are Real by Felicia Stevenson

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Once you feared monsters under your bed, 

but your parents assured you, it was all in your head. 

But monsters are real, they just aren’t furry beasts,

waiting to pounce when you expect it the least.

Monsters are real, but they hide in plain sight,

behind dazzling smiles and eyes oh so bright.

When charm turns to hate, they will smile with delight,

as you start to walk tight and your eyes turn to fright.

They’ll play with your head, while acting so kind,

make you think that you’re crazy, that you’re losing your mind.

Monsters are real, though not what you feared,

it’s not in your head, they’re now sharing your bed. 

An Open Letter To The Universe

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When I first left my ex of twelve years, I spent at least six months wanting absolutely nothing to do with the opposite sex. It was so intense that I found myself hissing like an angry cat (in my head!) at men who gave me the impression that they were interested. 

Eventually, this feeling started to pass and a man caught my eye. We dated for a while, but it didn't work out due to extreme differences in our core value systems (another blog post, another day!) 

Despite the disappointment, the experience reminded me that not all men are the same, and that I can find happiness with the right one. 

As a single mom with very little opportunity to leave my home, I turned to dating apps to meet new people.  I've been mulling over my profile for weeks, trying to put my desires into words, and last night I came up with the following:

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here. 

I mean, in the end, what I'd really like, is to meet a good man.

One that will have me laughing continuously and will accept me as I am because I'll accept him as he is.  Who will fall madly in love with me as I fall madly in love with him and who'll treat me like a queen because I'll treat him like a king.  A man who is patient and calm who will also love my boys.  Someone who will stimulate me, both physically and mentally, who will become my partner in crime and with whom I can face this adventure we call life. 

Can that be found here? Who knows?! Stranger things have happened! 

But now I'm left wondering... Am I asking for too much? Will this scare men off?

Which is what brought me to this blog post. As the old brain was churning, ruminating on these questions, this simple phrase came to mind: "Ask, and ye shall receive."

So here I am, asking the universe, because dang it, I deserve it!

Made in Quebec Interrupted

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I have so many wonderful artisans to introduce you to, but have been short on time for the past few weeks and would rather wait and give their articles the attention they deserve than just post something mediocre for the sake of posting.

Working like a mad woman as always. Creating, thinking, planning, hoping, praying. I've been seeing a lot of success lately and I sure hope it keeps up!

I have so much going on this week with Halloween and then the next two weekends I'll be at craft shows... Not sure when I'll get to sleep next!

Tonight I baked up some cupcakes for my youngest's class bake sale. Well he pretty much did all the work, but then I took over spooning the batter in as it was getting pretty messy and it was bedtime before they were cool enough to frost, so I finished that off for him. The props are cheap plastic rings from the dollar store, there were like 25 in a bag. The sprinkles are a special touch he'll be very happy about. 

It's a beautiful life and it's only getting better

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I was writng a facebook post for my page but it turned in to a chapter, so I decided to post here instead :)

I am feeling very blessed this week as many good things have come my way. A client who bought a box from me after seeing a work in progress photo on my facebook page was so unbelievably kind to me when she received it, posting several facebook messages in various groups and on her status to rave about my boxes and even wrote me a beautiful review on Etsy, which is so good for building customer confidence in my budding store. What an amazing feeling, I am so happy to be able to bring someone so much joy AND pay a bill or two. Talk about getting two birds with one stone!

My Time Fairy business landed its first web related contract out of left field, which is wonderful, as I've been wanting to get a plan together for a while now to offer my services to small businesses. I'm creating or managing all of their social accounts, getting them started by following people, redesigning the website (it's a plug and play website - I don't write code!), reviewing and editing all texts and store listings and finally connecting all of these lovely sites together with uniform branding and all of the necessary widgets. 

That would be a really long title for a service, but I'm still not sure what to call it. Creating a web presence? Branding? Your suggestions are more than welcome!

I probably didn't charge her enough, but I don't mind because it's great experience and I really want to do a great job and keep it affordable so I stay accessible to micro businesses.  I'm at a place where I'm so happy to be reaching some of my goals that I'm not feeling greedy... I just want to spread the success and help others by sharing what I know while still providing a decent life for my family.  

My customer got a bonus logo redesign because my OCD took over and I just had to do it. Again, no matter... It's beautiful and it's professional experience other than creating my own (which I'm very proud of)  which will allow me to point my potential customers towards a product I can also be proud of and generate more business. 

There's more!

My face-painting company "La Fée Licia" landed it's very first major corporate contract for this weekend - I almost fainted from excitement! :)

I needed three to four girls and found them within a few hours through all of the amazing new connections I made this summer. (And one very old connection - a friend from high school I was convinced would be good at this. I finally got her to accept a contract and face her fears and I'm so happy because I was so right and she did as well on her first day as I was doing after a couple of years, and I'm pretty sure she really enjoyed her day to boot. 

Well I mean it pays really well and she got to spend the day with me, what's not to like? Lol! Totally kidding of course, I'm feeling  playful... Can you tell?

I'm touched by how great the girls have been too. I asked them to make sure they painted their own faces and to wear something colourful, making sure they looked like they were part of the animation team, and I was surprised by how into it they got, and how much they wanted to do a good job. It was cold today so pretty fairy princess dresses were out of the question, but I have this vision of an army of fairy princess in my mind and a fantastic contact that has promised me a lot of work. 

And finally... I had a great time today at my contract, the loveliest of evenings so far with my family and have my first art fair of the season tomorrow. I'm very excited to show off my new collections. My jewelry has taken a step-up since last year and my boxes are pretty in pictures, but simply beautiful and intriguing in person. The effects of the mica changing colours with the light are impossible to capture!  

I have never been this confident in my own creations and think (hope) it will show tomorrow and it will be much easier for me to talk to my customers, as I feel more sure of my product and even my prices since I started running everything through a standardized price calculator I made myself. 

I've always sort of believed in myself, but now I'm starting to really believe in myself, and believe that my dream life is accessible. I don't necessarily want to be wealthy (though it would be nice to have enough to live well and spread the love.) I just want to make enough to maintain the life that I have, and maybe a touch more so that I can get the kids into extra curricular activities and afford a few luxuries. You know, like dentists. lol

When I found out I was losing my position in my so-called cushy job, my first reaction was to be upset. (I guess that used be my first reaction to a lot of things but anywho)

Then I remembered how much I hated the job in the first place and realized what a blessing this was. I had options, and one of them was a decent severance package, so I decided to take the money and run. I said "I'll take all of my talents and combine them to make a living!"

I have been working 12, 14,16 and even a couple of 20 hour days over the past few months. I've neglecting my kids and other relationships, (not to mention myself) but I'm seeing results and I'm elated that my dreams are all within arms reach. I'll rest later.

I'm very lucky to have very strong relationships with people who understand that I love them just as much and are patiently waiting in the background as they root for me and do what they can to help me reach my goals. 

As for the kids, I still make sure to get my story time with them every night. A minimum of fifteen straight minutes (often they stretch that to more like thirty) of my undivided attention. 

Just the three of us, quietly cuddled up in bed.  It is still the highlight of my day, and a constant reminder of what I'm working for. They have voiced their displeasure over the lack of attention, but I've taken the time to explain what I'm doing and that sometimes you have to make huge sacrifices in order to reach our goals. We are losing time together now but building towards a better life and more quality time.  In a couple of years, we'll be in a good place, and I'll be content, making a decent living through my various ventures, helping or bringing joy (or both!) to people along the way and continuing to live a life that may not be perfect, but that I'm finally generally happy in. 

Nothing will bring me peace of mind like the certainty that I will never have to accept a boring, mind numbing office job again. 

Artists and routines just don't mix, and I have never felt better than since I stopped trying to make myself fit in that box just because it was the safest choice, the most possible money and best benefits...

Money and benefits don't do squat for you when you're slowly dying inside!

When I step back and take a look at where I was and where I'm at, there are no words. 

It's like I was a completely different person and even I don't recognize her. Heck, it's hard to remember being her. It's been such a long journey but I realize every day that someone up there is on my side and wants to see me succeed. 

I have been sent so many absolute Angels on my path over the past few years, and even my customers are amazing, kind, patient and understanding.  They make me ashamed of how ungenerous I have been in the past in my judgement of businesses and my lack of empathy... and it's not quite the term I want to use but the "sense of entitlement" I've displayed in the past.

All of these people (clients, colleagues, new friends whether online or in person) along with my wonderful friends and family have me feeling like the luckiest girl on earth and like I can do absolutely anything I set my mind on. 

There have been many obstacles, and I've had to rethink the plan a few times, but I continue to think of news ways to generate income and push my three businesses to succeed and I know that if I just keep swimming, I'm going to get where I'm going. 

Thanks for reading, I'd really love to hear your thoughts. You don't need to have a google account or sign in to anything to leave a comment, you can leave it as anonymous (do include your name and website if your have one and want to, I'd love to check it out!)

Thanking the heavens and all the kind helper angels here and up above who have been helping me create this wonderful, seemingly charmed life. Wishing you all so much love and happiness xxoo 

Where does the time go

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I know, I said I'd post three times a week...

I said I'd be more consistent...

What can I say? I don't know what happens to the time! Where does the time go? Did you take it? Where did you hide it?!

I've been working non stop for the past few months, with more and more determination to make good things happen, and it's been a good business week. The time fairy landed a great contract helping with branding a company online. I'm redesigning the logo, website, editing texts and ads, and starting up various social media platforms... Hoping his leads to more work in this field, I really enjoy it :)

I have that made in quebec column that I really want to keep up with and this Christmas gift guide I want to post. It was suppose to be up last week's but it's still not ready, and it's already Friday! Someone explain to me how this happened!

At least this is the first weekend in a long time that I'm not working outside of the house, so hopefully I'll get some stuff done!

Hey, It's my Birdthday! (Again?!)

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It's that time of year again...

This year for my birthday, I'd love to hear a few ka-chings coming from my Etsy app (it's their notification sound that you've just made a sale)

I've been extremely busy lately, working double and triple time to get the shop going and get myself ready for the three fairs I've got coming up.

It may feel like it's still early to be thinking about Christmas shopping, but now would be a great time to pick up some amazing presents for the whole family!  

Ask me for a custom order, and get something personalized, making for a beautiful gift the person knows you put real thought into! Plus you'll have the added bonus of knowing your money went to supporting a small family business rather than a big corporation!

A keychain with their name in letter beads, a special unique gift for a teenager

A jewelry trinket box for someone special (I'm making one now with a jeep and a tree on top)

Jewelry for the stylish woman.

Art prints that you can frame yourself. 

Really the sky's the limit, so don't be shy if you have something in mind!

Both shops are on sale with 20% your purchase of 15$ or more with coupon code BDAYSURPRISE 

Hope to be seeing you on etsy! http://www.etsy.com/shop/felicianation and http://www.etsy.com/shop/felicianationprints

This isn't goodbye, it's hello

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So if you came around recently, you probably noticed a few changes underway!

I really never thought the day would come, but I've decided to retire Musings and other Ramblings of a crazy / beautiful mind. I remember telling a friend it was my baby and I could never let it go! 

If you were already a reader, you probably know that I started this blog at a very dark time in my life.  I'm not going to talk about my mental health any further except to say that this blog served it's purpose at the time, and I'm so glad I decided to start it, because it was the first step towards my recovery and following my dreams.  If you really want to know all about it, go back and read a bit.  Use anxiety, depression or bipolar disorder as keywords to search the blog, you'll find all you're looking for. I didn't just write on those subjects though, so feel free to peruse the archives :)

Skip ahead three years, and here I am, a brand new me. 

I don't look at the floor and say "I'm kind of like an artist" anymore. I don't see myself as a walking diagnosis anymore. In fact, I rarely think about those things at all anymore. I feel good, strong, confident. 

I feel better than I have my whole life, and can actually say I'm generally happy... Which may seem like a normal thing to some, but never seemed possible for me. 

My perspective on life has changed a lot, and meds have helped stop the anxiety.  

Stopped. Me. No anxiety. Wow. 

Which brings me to why I've decided to retire Musings. I feel like I have nothing left to say on the subject.  I would like to revisit at some point, as there is always something new me wants to tell old me when I read my old posts. 

This journey that started with a single blog post has brought me on wonderful adventures that have led me to where I am today, so this is where I want to take my baby too, I do hope you'll join me. 

In the past year, I started three of my own businesses. I officially opened "La fée Licia", my own face painting company which has been doing really decently this summer. I don't know how good the winter's going to be, but here's hoping for lots of fairy princess parties. (It's really awesome, I get to wear an amazingly pretty dress and a tiara, the little girl in me is thrilled - I always said you could only get away with wearing a tiara on your wedding a day...  Ha! I feel so smart sometimes! Hahaha

 I also started up "The Time Fairy" or "La fée du temps", a personal shopping and assistance service. It's been pretty slow going, but I need to do some serious advertising.  Now that the kids are back in school, I have my days free to go out and find me some clients! 

And then there's Felicianation. Oooh I'm so excited about everything I'm doing! have found my confidence as an artist in polymer clay, and I'm so glad I picked it up.  I had opened an etsy shop sometime last year, but I never put any real work in it and as is the usually the case when you put no work into something, it went nowhere. 

Then I joined a group for etsy sellers from Quebec on Facebook a couple of months ago and things slowly started to make more sense. I leaned a lot from reading their posts, questions from newbies and answers from well established shop owners. I started to get excited again, to believe that it could work. So I retook all my pics, worked on my texts, and re-launched. I reached five sales last week! In about six weeks, compared to a year before that - I think that's fantastic.  It's only just begun...

I decided on Felicianation Ink as the blog's new name. Felicianation is a word I invented way back then. It was symbolic for my taking control over my own life, rebelling against the oppression. "This is my world I live by my rules" kind of thing. I also loved that it sounded like a mix of the words fascination and imagination, thus the title phrase "welcome to felicianation, where imagination meets fascination to create a new dimension."

The phrase never seemed to catch on (hey, I still like it!) but the word stuck, and when it came time to naming my polymer clay jewellery and accessory company, Felicianation was a no-brainer. 

It's since been tweaked to Felicianation Creations for my polymer clay items, and just freshly launched a couple of weeks ago, Felicianation Prints, where you can purchase prints of my digital creations, originals and paintings, though I only have digitals up right now. There are many more listings to come for both shops, it can actually be quite daunting!

So as I gear up for the Christmas season and three crafts fairs, I've also decided to start writing again!  I miss updating you all on my progress, and the interaction we had when I was more consistent around here!  I've decided to introduce a weekly post that will most likely be published on Wednesdays starting very soon. It will be called "Made in Quebec : Spotlight on (insert artisan name here)"

There is so much talent here in Quebec, and I am so grateful to my little group for their invaluable help. I want to give back to them and the artisan community, which has welcomed me with open arms and always made me feel right at home. I'll tell you about their products of course, but more than that, I want to introduce you to the artist, a little about themselves and their process.

So I'm thinking Mondays will be about me; personal updates, new creations, up-coming events.. Whatever's on my mind. Wednesdays for Made in Quebec and Fridays will be random. I want to touch on a variety of subjects that may interest artisans and buyers alike.

More to come soon, I've got so many projects on the go, it's hard to keep up sometimes!

Here are a few more pics of prints available at http://www.etsy.com/shop/felicianationprints and newly created, not yet listed items for http://www.etsy.ca/shop/felicianation 

I don't have a clever title for this post

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Hello again, dear readers. If you still come by to read that is. I know I haven't been a consistent blogger in a long while, so I understand if you got tired of visiting only to see the same old post.

I think about you guys all the time, but all my "I should write a post about that" ideas drift off, and I get caught up on other things. 

I'm working on a big project right now, a new company that could provide nicely for me and my family. I meet with my potential financiers tomorrow. I'm a bit nervous, but my contact seems to think there's no reason to worry, so I'm hopeful. 

Other important issues were fixed for us late last week, so I'm feeling lighter, as the stress was getting to me.  I kept trying to remind myself that everything always seems to work itself and that my angels or the universe have my back, but still!

Anyway, I can't wait to tell you all about my new company... I think it's going to be awesome ;)

Thanks for reading xxx

PS: I threw in a pic of a digital drawing I did this week just because, well why not?

Survey Says

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Hey Ladies!

I created a survey on purchasing habits of women for accessories and jewellery today as a first step in my Felicianation market study.

I was really hoping you might take a minute to go answer ten quick questions for me.  It's completely anonymous and would be loads helpful... Thank you!!!

Click here to start survey

Feel free to share! Thank you :)

Please Leave Your Negativity At The Door

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Because if you don't, I might invite you to go trough it again, and not return.

I have HAD IT with negative people.  You'll have to excuse the caps, but they are necessary so that you understand how MAD I am right now, and how badly I have HAD IT with the dang peanut gallery!

Ok, I'll stop now, but imagine that I'm biting in to every single word, and I am visibly angry.

Every single project I have, there are a million others out there trying to do the same thing, and it seems like no one, especially complete strangers, can resist telling me that.

"You want to write a variety blog? It's going to be impossible to build and audience, you'll never succeed."

You know what?  It's not easy.  I've been at this for a while, and it's still not what I'd like it to be.  Though if I'm honest, I haven't put in all the necessary efforts, and when I did work hard on it, I got more results.  So arguably, if I'd put in the work, this blog could have been a huge success.  Nothing is impossible, and screw you (negative person) for implying that I can't  be successful in something if I put my mind to it.  I'm sorry you'd never have the courage to follow your dreams, but please abstain from polluting my mind with negative thoughts I don't need to hear.

"You want to open a restaurant? You do know that most of them go out of business in the first five years don't you?  You're making a big mistake.  Remember you have a family to feed!"

Awesome.  Thank you so much for reminding me that I had a family.  For a minute there, I had completely forgotten that I gave birth to two beautiful boys around which my entire universe revolves.  Good thing you were there to point that out for me, I may have never remembered.  As for the restaurant business, while that may be true, it's true of restaurants that don't know what they're doing.  My husband and I have ample experience and are exceptionally astute, so don't you worry about us making a go of it, because I'm not.  Again, I'm sorry that you will never have enough confidence in your own self to make this kind of a leap, but please keep your fears to yourself, as I don't want them to become my own.

"Oh, you're making jewelry?  Are you selling a lot of it?" (in a snarky type of "what a joke" type of tone)

No actually, I haven't sold a lot of it yet, though I have sold some, and have gotten tons of positive feedback.  Also, I just started, so you know, building a clientele takes time.  You know what though?  I love it.  My jewelry is unique, and each piece is one of a kind.  Will I become a millionaire from selling jewelry? Probably not, but hey who knows?  If you never try something, you can never succeed at it.

"Oh you started your own face painting business?  Can you live from that full time?"

If you must know, I know a clown that makes a pretty decent living doing kids parties and corporate events full time, and he makes a very decent living.  I don't personally plan on doing this full time, but if the business takes off, I sure wouldn't mind.  I love face painting, it doesn't feel like work.  I make good money, spend about five minutes with each child, make them super happy and send them on their merry way.  It rocks.

I'm sure I could come up with a million more examples, but I think you get the picture.

Point is: I don't want to hear it!!!  Stop filling my head with all of your fears and insecurities!

I think I can, therefore I will.  Got it?  I will.

OK, that's enough ranting for one day.  What about you?  Do you have to deal with Nay-Sayers often? How do you respond to unwelcomed negative opinions?

Much love and POSITIVE thoughts!
Felicia
xx

XM Satelite Radio: Why?

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As you may know, I was lucky enough to purchase a beautiful brand new Hyundai Elantra last september.

As a "gift" with purchase, I got a free three month trial of XM Satelite radio.

My review? 

Right from the start, I was unimpressed.  There are like 200+ channels, which I don't have time to be fiddling with while I'm driving.  Scrolling through all those channels was boring and annoying.

After about a month, I got a call from XM Satelite Radio.  Some very kind woman with a deep southern accent was asking me how I felt about the service. 

When I told her I didn't like it, she seemed surprised.  When I told her I didn't like scrolling through so many channels, she told me I could go online and make a list of the ones I liked. As if I have nothing better to do.

She was so kind, I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but I tried to gently explain that there was no way I would ever pay for radio.  I told her that I have my iPhone, a CD player and free local radio - I'm good.

She was pleasant, but undeterred, and she suggested that I keep trying to listen to see if it would grow on me.  I was agreeable, but I reiterated that it really didn't matter if I started to like the service or not, there was still no way in heck I would pay $15 a month for a service that was already being offered to me for free!

She then told me all about the special price they could give me - it would only be $10 a month.  Yep, and that's still $10 more than FREE.

I'm sorry, but this is basically the bottled water of the music industry!  "Let's take something that's free, slap a pretty label on it, and charge a fortune for it!'

No thank you!

They called back several times within the next few months.  Always southern, always kind, and so darn polite.  I felt bad saying no to them, but each time, I'd have to explain to them how I was not interested in paying for something I could get for free, and that I didn't even like their service anyway.

I had to be forceful with the last one.  They just didn't want to get it.  I told him this was bordering on harassment, that the product is basically a scam and that I would NEVER be a customer of theirs.

They haven't called back since.

What do you think?  Do you use it?  Would you if you had the chance?

Much love,
Felicia

Line Drawing "The Birds"

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Hi guys!

I've got a few posts waiting to be published, but I just wanted to share my newest line drawing with you guys, because, well, I'm kind of really proud of it.

My original line drawings were created with black ink on paper, but this latest work was created on iPad, using ArtStudio.

I have finally opened my Etsy shop, so if you'd like to purchase a print of this drawing (sans watermark), please stop by the store!  It still needs some work, but at least I've got it open and am listing an item.

Slow progress is progress, I hear.

Anyway, hope you like it, be sure to visit again soon!

Much Love,
Felicia

Getting Over Depression

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I've had this draft sitting in my box since May 24 of last year. I decided to share it with you because of how far I've come since I wrote it.

I'd like to think it might give other people dealing with Mental Health issues a little bit of hope. After all, if I'm doing better... why couldn't you?

So this was me, one short year ago. Me, depressed and thinking I had nothing left to give and would never be able to hold a job ever again.

"Will I ever be functional again?" (original title)

"It's been a year and a half. I should have snapped out of this already, but I can't.

I'm not depressed every day. I have good days and bad, but when I think about having to return to work, I lose it inside.

The thing is, being off, I haven't had the stress of dealing with work. For most people, getting the kids ready and off to school, putting in an eight hour day, picking up the kids, making dinner, giving baths, reading stories and singing a million lullabies is exhausting, but for me, it's more than that: it's completely draining.

When Sunday night rolls around, I find myself completely depressed, sobbing uncontrollably because I can't bear the thought of doing it all again.

The biggest problem is that I have done it, but I just can't seem to do it for a sustained period. It inevitably leads to me falling back into depression.

This has happened so many times over the past few years that I just feel like repeating the same scenario will lead to the same disaster.

I need a job that allows me a lot of flexibility, and I just don't know what that is on a high school diploma, considering I need to make at least the same amount of money to maintain our lifestyle, which I live in fear of losing."

What a contrast that was with how I'm doing now! 

Here I am, one year later, feeling strong and anxiety-free. Taking a business course, preparing to open my own restaurant, and embracing the endless possibilities the future holds for me.

Did you hear that? Anxiety free! There was a time when I couldn't imagine a world in which I wasn't completely riddled with anxiety. Now I can barely remember what a panic attack feels like. I am doing better now than I have in fifteen years.

When I read my draft, I see that I had completely lost hope. Well, thank goodness hope decided to reach out and find me.

Don't give up: there is always a light, even if the tunnel seems never-ending.


Much Love,
Felicia

Note To Self

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Dear Felicia,

It's me, Felicia.  Yes, I'm you.

"You do realise you're writing to yourself, don't you?"  You ask, slightly concerned that I've completely lost touch with reality and am experiencing a whole new level of psychosis.

Don't worry, you're OK; we're OK, and the method to my madness will become clear shortly.

"Um, 'K, care to elaborate?" you ask skeptically.

Yes, I will elaborate for you: 

I think you know there's always been two of us in here, that we've always struggled with our duality. 

I feel like lately though, we've been drifting apart more and more, to the point where we've become two separate entities sharing a body...  You've become so distant, and I worry that our lines of communication have been severely damaged. 

I think we can repair this damage with little to no lasting consequences, but we must act fast.

The thing is, I remember how smart, strong and confident you are, and you know how weak and lazy I am, so what I really don't understand is: why are you letting me lead?! 

I think it's high time that you to take back the reigns.

Remember that time you tracked down your company's CEO while he was on vacation in Hawaii so you could get a check signed and avoid some contractor putting a lean on your building?  Remember the look on your VP's face when he found out what you'd done?  Do you remember shrugging and simply stating "I got the check, didn't I?" in response to his disbelieving "You did what?!".

I know what you were like, before they stole your light, or before you let them take it. 

You were always such a fighter, what's happened to you?  I know it's been difficult.  I know it's always been a struggle, and that it's only gotten worse since that fateful day of your initial diagnosis.

I know it's been hard for you to accept, and that I've dragged you down many times, but I also know that you are stronger than me.  Than all of this.

You've learnt a lot throughout the past ten years.  I know, much of what you've learnt has been "what not to do", but even those are valuable life lessons that you have grown from. I fear you've become too complacent though. 

Accepting your limitations has lead you to dismiss your possibilities, and you've been looking at this all wrong.

Yes, you have limitations.  Yes, we deal with a mental health illness that sometimes takes over both of us and leaves us paralysed, but you seem to have allowed yourself to believe that you should be limited because of your limitations... And I'm writing you to tell you how wrong you are.

There are obstacles on every path to success.  Everyone's hurdles are different, but anyone who succeeds does so because they faced their hurdles head on, not by running in the opposite direction.

Mind over Matter.

Remember how angry you used to get at Dad when he'd say that to you?  Granted, he used it too much.  He acted like you could stop your migraines and your depression yourself - if you really wanted to.  I know that's not true.  I know you wouldn't allow yourself to suffer if there was anyway you could stop it.

However there is still some truth to that statement.  You are one of the most strong willed women I have ever met, and while you jokingly use the sentence "My will be done" when things go your way, I don't think you understand how true that statement is.

You have the power.

Depression will come again.  Migraines will hit at the most inopportune times. But to let these things dictate your whole life? 

Now that's insanity.

So, my dear Felicia, I hope you hear my message loud and clear.  I hope I struck a chord within you, and that you decide to come back to who you truly are and who you are meant to be.

Much Love,
Felicia

PS: All artwork by and property of Felicia-May Stevenson
PPS: comment on my post, but also feel free to comment about my images :)
PPPS: I don't really have anything else to say, just felt like I was on a roll.

Looking Towards The Future

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Tomorrow is the first day of May.

This means I am just weeks away from handing in my final decision at work. 

Will I take the money and run?  Will I stay and try to work it out, find another position?

The latter sounds like a death sentence to me. It's obvious it's time to go. 

I'm still apprehensive about giving up the guaranteed salary and benefits though. As the date approaches, that apprehension grows. 

I am hopeful however, that this marks the beginning of a great new chapter in my life. I am in the midst of my business class and am feeling greatly empowered by the group of women surrounding me. The exchanges are invaluable, and this experience will stay with me forever. 

I am an Entrepreneur now, and my first order of business is getting "Felicitations" restaurant open and ready for business. I am currently conducting a market study, and am in the beginning stages of my business plan. 

An old boss at a crappy job once told me that I lacked direction in my life, that I needed to set a goal for myself. It dawned on me how right he was as I typed the word plan above. I'm also reminded of a sign my current boss used to display "A failure to plan is a plan to fail"; this one used to bother me, as it was a reminder that I had planned to fail, and thus was stuck in a job I hated. Perhaps I should be grateful to it, as I think it's what sparked my initial desire to change.

So I'm setting goals for myself, making plans for the future. Keeping a positive outlook and finally having faith that everything will work itself out in the end. 

The road was long, but I'm letting go of the past and embracing a new, positive me. 

I believe in myself, my abilities, and my power to mold my future. 

I'll have my empire yet. 

Felicianation baby!

Funny Friday: Our Tooth Fairy Has Been Hitting The Pixie Dust

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So it was a big week for losing teeth in this house: Tyler lost his two front teeth and Mickey lost his first tooth. (my baby is growing up so fast!)

Obviously, this means it was a big week for the Tooth Fairy also, and an expensive one!

Last time we'd lost a tooth, she never showed up to claim it, and I eventually just had to lie and tell Tyler I'd found the money stuck between the bed and the wall.

At the time, I lodged a formal complaint at fairy headquarters, and was assured that this kind of thing would never happen again.  This was our first chance to test that promise, and I really hoped she would be able to rise to the occasion,as this was a real opportunity for her to shine.

She did great on the first night, in and out without a peep, and I woke up to a smiling child proudly holding up his $2 coin.  My confidence restored, I really didn't worry on the second night, but then that fairy witch went and did it again!!!  When I saw the look of pure disappointment and utter sadness on my son's face, I was determined to have that fairy's job!  "I think that girl's been hitting the pixie dust too hard!!!" I thought to myself.  "Wait until I get a hold of her supervisor, she's toast!"  Having lost the number for fairy headquarters, I asked my Facebook friends if any of them might have it, and you will never guess what happened next...

It turns out I'm Facebook friends with the Tooth Fairy!!!  I was convinced she must have been out drinking, but it turns out she just spends too much time farming!

She was all apologetic and stuff, really trying to avoid another formal complaint.

I was like: "While I appreciate your apology, this does not fix my poor little boy's broken heart. You know, I covered for you, fed him some story about how too many kids lost their teeth this week, but this is unacceptable and it better not happen again."

Yadiyadida... She promised to show up that night and write him a note to apologize for the blunder.  She delivered on the showing up part, but completely spaced on the note.

I was not impressed,  but my son was happy, so I let it slide.

Since things always seem to happen in threes, two days later, Mickey loses a tooth during brunch.  I put the tooth aside and we continue our meal.  After we're done, I put everything away and wipe down the table.

This is when you can probably predict where this is going...

About two hours later, I realize I don't know where the tooth is.  Oh no, oh no, what are we going to do? He'll be crushed if we tell him!  I devise a plan where we'll write her a note, apologizing, that the tooth is somewhere in the house but that we can't find it.  I decide to wait out telling Mickey, just in case we find the tooth before bedtime.

So we're sitting at dinner, and a small piece of walnut falls from my salad on to the table.  I look at it and get all excited: "Barry!  Barry!  Look!!! A tooth!"  (It really is amazing how crushed up walnuts resemble human teeth.)

He looks at me, kind of skeptical, but he decides to go with it, for lack of a better plan.  So I tell Mickey to go get his little tooth holder he got from school.  He comes running back and is all "I want to put it in!!!"

I reluctantly hand it over, worried that he'll realize how soft it is.  He holds it up, examining it, and exclaims "Wow, that's a really nice tooth, huh?!" I tried to hide my laughter and agreed with him.

My first hurdle was over, but what would the Tooth Fairy think?  Would she notice the scam?  If she did, would she refuse it?  I was so worried.  It would break my heart if I woke up to Mickey's big puppy dog eyes floating with tears.

Thankfully, she came by and accepted the walnut.  She left a note,  but it wasn't for Mickey; it was for me.

"I figured I owed you one" was all she wrote.

You know, she may be a little loopy, but maybe she isn't that bad of a Tooth Fairy after all.

Wink Wink

Gay Marriage, Abortion and Opression

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The FB conversation that caused this rant.

I've spoken out about the war on abortion before, but last week, with all the talk about gay marriage rights and the on-going court cases in the US, my frustrations with people hiding behind God to defend their own agendas of hate have grown to a boiling point, and I find myself having to revisit the subject, but this time I'm not just talking about abortion rights, I'm talking about gay marriage rights as well. 

I'm talking about basic human rights. The right to choose who you love, the right to choose if and when you want children.  The right to live your life as you see fit, not dictated to you by politicians with dirty agendas using God's name in vain.

Unless you have ever spoken directly to God, you have no idea what He wants, feels or thinks. If we are to believe that God makes no mistakes, then it is within His design that we all be different.

If you are going to use His name to defend hatred, please remember that He said "love thy neighbor", not love thy neighbor unless he's gay or something else you don't approve of.

A true Christian accepts others without judgement, as he knows that only God has the right to judge.

I'm saying stop quoting the bible at me, because you only ever quote the things you like, and even those quotes take on a new meaning depending on the spin you try to make on them.

The catholic religion has spewed so many lies over thousand of years that I find myself very conflicted in my beliefs, but what I do believe for sure is that no one on this planet is in a position to judge others. That everyone on this planet has done at least one thing they wouldn't be too proud of discussing with God Himself, and that no one on this planet really knows anything about what God thinks, or if He even truly exists.

I believe in being a good person: in doing my best, and trying to better myself. I believe in being generous, and helping the less fortunate. 

I believe in letting others live their lives in freedom, to choose who they want to be, their sexuality, who they want to marry, which religion they want to adhere to, and if and when they wish to have children.

As humans in this day and age, we are subjected to many rules and regulations. Practically slaves to our societies and governments, but...

No law should ever have dominion on our bodies or dictate whom we can love.

Okay, so that's my rant for today.

TTYS!
 

Planning For The Future

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It's past one AM and I should be sleeping, but I'm wide awake, and I suddenly have an urge a need to write.

I'm excited and nervous about up-coming changes in my life.

I'm bidding my time at work, because my days are numbered, and it's giving me time to set myself up for a better life; one more suited to my particular - hmm  what should I call them?  For lack of a better word, let's just go with "quirks".

Really, I don't know why I'm bothering to mince words, lets call a spade a spade: a life more suited to my very own brand of crazy.

I will be getting some money from being "surplussed", so I've decided to start that empire I've been dreaming of.

First off, I want to start a small restaurant.  Something that caters to professionals, open Monday to Friday, early morning until mid-afternoon.  My hubby is an amazing chef, and I'm confident that our combined knowledge of the restaurant business, customer service and amazing food will be a recipe for success.

Starting this kind of business is no easy task.  I'd been hoping for some guidance from my old boss and mentor, but sadly, he passed away recently.  He was a great man, and I will remember him fondly forever.

I contacted a local organization that helps women find employment, as they have a mentoring program that teaches you how to launch your business.  I'm going to an information session next week, and then I can register for their program, which seems to be a course offered in three stages, each lasting 7-10 days.
I'll know more after the session, but I'm optimistic that this will be exactly the guidance I need to navigate this unchartered territory.

I just flashed back to a session with the psychologist I saw last year, one where he told me he thought it would be a terrible idea for me to own a business, that the anxiety would eat me alive.

Ha!  I laugh in the face of danger!

No, but seriously, my current meds are doing wonders for me, and while I still have bouts of anxiety and moments of utter despair, it is nothing like the all-consuming fire that used to engulf me.

There's also the fact that I don't think I'm ever going to be happy in a work environment where I'm not the boss.  Also, I feel like we will always be stuck in dead-end jobs due to our lack of education, and this is an opportunity for us to make a better future for ourselves, and our boys.

I've also decided to revive La Fée Licia Face Painting, though I'm still deciding on the best route to take for advertising.  Even if I only got a couple of contracts a month, it pays very well, and I love doing it.  I also like the idea of putting my eggs in more than one basket.

Another venture will be to open an Etsy shop.  If you're not familiar with it, this is a website where you can open your own "shop" within the site to sell your artwork.  It costs pennies to place adds that last for (I think) four months, and they take a (again, I think) three percent commission off your sales.  I think this is a great platform, and the site is well established, so it's sort of like opening a store in a well known shopping mall.  For a beginner, I would say this is a win-win situation.  I don't know if anyone will want to buy my art, but for pennies an ad, it's certainly worth a shot!  Again, even just a few sales a month could help.

Then there's Freelancer.ca, where you can sign up for free.  Employers post various "creative" jobs, and you bid on them.  If you are selected, you start to build a reputation, which in turn helps you win more bids.  It's probably a slow start, but surely worth a try.  I'm always looking for inspiration, and I sometimes do my best work when I'm given a general direction to follow.  Who knows where this path could lead?

Of course, there's always my own writing.  I'm working on writing my first book, an account of my life dealing with bipolar disorder.  I'm still in my first draft, and it's terrible, and choppy, but for now I'm just concentrating on getting stories down on "paper", I'll worry about structure and editing later.

The way I see it, if one of these other ventures takes off, we can hire someone take my place at the restaurant while I'm off on a contract.

My boss used to have this sign by her office that read "A failure to plan is a plan to fail".

It always bothered me when I saw it, because it was a constant reminder that I had failed to plan and was now stuck in a job I absolutely hated.

While the future is uncertain, at least I have a plan, and that's more than I've ever had before.  This is my time.  I will stop taking whatever opportunities I'm offered, and start pursuing (or creating) the opportunities that I desire.

Wish me luck!

Is it Spring Yet?

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I came across these pictures while sorting through the 49 drafts I have sitting on this blog.  

I know, that's a ridiculous number of drafts.  

These are some of my best pictures of the beautiful flowers that grow in our backyard.  My first reaction upon opening the draft was "aw! summer!", so I decided to post it today to remind myself (and you) that Spring will be here soon enough, and the flowers will bloom again.

I am so over the cold!!!

Clematis - first bloom

clematis

clematis

Rose Bush (it's more like a tree)

Lily... I'm very proud.

Great.  Only 48 more drafts to sort through.

One Day At A Time...

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Ugh. Life, why don't you just kiss my...

I'm having one of those mornings where it just seems like all my thoughts are dark and gloomy.

My husband (well, common-law spouse, but same difference) just called to tell me that his bosses are changing his shift and this means he will have to work Saturdays from now on.

After hanging up with him, I called my kid's school daycare program about March break, and I was informed that daycare will be closed at that time.  Thank God I have a week's vacation I can take, but damn.  What do they expect parents to do?  They are off for two weeks at Christmas, one week in march, and there's a three week period in the summer between the end of summer camp and the beginning of school.

Who has six weeks of vacation a year?  What are we suppose to do with them?

I've been work force adjusted at work.  (that's just a fancy way of saying that I will be laid off shortly)

I have to make a decision about the options I've been given, which are basically a) I stay here for another 12 months while I try to find a position elsewhere, b) I take a "transitional support amount" which would be 26 weeks of salary and resign from my position or c) I get the same amount of money, but also have a $10,000 education allowance, and can either resign immediately, or keep the door open for two years in case I want to come back.

My plan is to open up a small restaurant with my husband, a small food court style place that's open Monday to Friday and serves breakfast and lunch.

The thing is though, if we open this restaurant, what the heck are we suppose to do with the kids for 6 weeks a year?  What about when they are sick?  When we are sick?

Is this even a feasible plan?

I honestly think it would be the best thing for us, and our best chance at advancement in this world of ours.  The beginning of the empire...

With a little success, we could live well, even possibly open a chain of "Felicitations" food court restaurants.  Or make enough money during the first ten years to then open our big family style restaurant.  The one I've been seeing in my minds eye for years now.

I know I have to remain positive, and have some faith.  In the past years, all the stars have aligned in such a way that I have been given all that I need, if not all that I want.  I need to trust that this will continue to be the case.

This whole starting a business thing is much more complicated than I had anticipated.  If you want to get any kind of financing, you have to create a business plan, including a market analysis, and I find myself in unknown territory.

Given my mental health issues, uncertainty is not a friend of mine.  In fact, we hate each other with a passion.

Breathe deeply and carry on.