Note To Self

Pin It
Dear Felicia,

It's me, Felicia.  Yes, I'm you.

"You do realise you're writing to yourself, don't you?"  You ask, slightly concerned that I've completely lost touch with reality and am experiencing a whole new level of psychosis.

Don't worry, you're OK; we're OK, and the method to my madness will become clear shortly.

"Um, 'K, care to elaborate?" you ask skeptically.

Yes, I will elaborate for you: 

I think you know there's always been two of us in here, that we've always struggled with our duality. 

I feel like lately though, we've been drifting apart more and more, to the point where we've become two separate entities sharing a body...  You've become so distant, and I worry that our lines of communication have been severely damaged. 

I think we can repair this damage with little to no lasting consequences, but we must act fast.

The thing is, I remember how smart, strong and confident you are, and you know how weak and lazy I am, so what I really don't understand is: why are you letting me lead?! 

I think it's high time that you to take back the reigns.

Remember that time you tracked down your company's CEO while he was on vacation in Hawaii so you could get a check signed and avoid some contractor putting a lean on your building?  Remember the look on your VP's face when he found out what you'd done?  Do you remember shrugging and simply stating "I got the check, didn't I?" in response to his disbelieving "You did what?!".

I know what you were like, before they stole your light, or before you let them take it. 

You were always such a fighter, what's happened to you?  I know it's been difficult.  I know it's always been a struggle, and that it's only gotten worse since that fateful day of your initial diagnosis.

I know it's been hard for you to accept, and that I've dragged you down many times, but I also know that you are stronger than me.  Than all of this.

You've learnt a lot throughout the past ten years.  I know, much of what you've learnt has been "what not to do", but even those are valuable life lessons that you have grown from. I fear you've become too complacent though. 

Accepting your limitations has lead you to dismiss your possibilities, and you've been looking at this all wrong.

Yes, you have limitations.  Yes, we deal with a mental health illness that sometimes takes over both of us and leaves us paralysed, but you seem to have allowed yourself to believe that you should be limited because of your limitations... And I'm writing you to tell you how wrong you are.

There are obstacles on every path to success.  Everyone's hurdles are different, but anyone who succeeds does so because they faced their hurdles head on, not by running in the opposite direction.

Mind over Matter.

Remember how angry you used to get at Dad when he'd say that to you?  Granted, he used it too much.  He acted like you could stop your migraines and your depression yourself - if you really wanted to.  I know that's not true.  I know you wouldn't allow yourself to suffer if there was anyway you could stop it.

However there is still some truth to that statement.  You are one of the most strong willed women I have ever met, and while you jokingly use the sentence "My will be done" when things go your way, I don't think you understand how true that statement is.

You have the power.

Depression will come again.  Migraines will hit at the most inopportune times. But to let these things dictate your whole life? 

Now that's insanity.

So, my dear Felicia, I hope you hear my message loud and clear.  I hope I struck a chord within you, and that you decide to come back to who you truly are and who you are meant to be.

Much Love,
Felicia

PS: All artwork by and property of Felicia-May Stevenson
PPS: comment on my post, but also feel free to comment about my images :)
PPPS: I don't really have anything else to say, just felt like I was on a roll.

Looking Towards The Future

Pin It

Tomorrow is the first day of May.

This means I am just weeks away from handing in my final decision at work. 

Will I take the money and run?  Will I stay and try to work it out, find another position?

The latter sounds like a death sentence to me. It's obvious it's time to go. 

I'm still apprehensive about giving up the guaranteed salary and benefits though. As the date approaches, that apprehension grows. 

I am hopeful however, that this marks the beginning of a great new chapter in my life. I am in the midst of my business class and am feeling greatly empowered by the group of women surrounding me. The exchanges are invaluable, and this experience will stay with me forever. 

I am an Entrepreneur now, and my first order of business is getting "Felicitations" restaurant open and ready for business. I am currently conducting a market study, and am in the beginning stages of my business plan. 

An old boss at a crappy job once told me that I lacked direction in my life, that I needed to set a goal for myself. It dawned on me how right he was as I typed the word plan above. I'm also reminded of a sign my current boss used to display "A failure to plan is a plan to fail"; this one used to bother me, as it was a reminder that I had planned to fail, and thus was stuck in a job I hated. Perhaps I should be grateful to it, as I think it's what sparked my initial desire to change.

So I'm setting goals for myself, making plans for the future. Keeping a positive outlook and finally having faith that everything will work itself out in the end. 

The road was long, but I'm letting go of the past and embracing a new, positive me. 

I believe in myself, my abilities, and my power to mold my future. 

I'll have my empire yet. 

Felicianation baby!

Funny Friday: Our Tooth Fairy Has Been Hitting The Pixie Dust

Pin It

So it was a big week for losing teeth in this house: Tyler lost his two front teeth and Mickey lost his first tooth. (my baby is growing up so fast!)

Obviously, this means it was a big week for the Tooth Fairy also, and an expensive one!

Last time we'd lost a tooth, she never showed up to claim it, and I eventually just had to lie and tell Tyler I'd found the money stuck between the bed and the wall.

At the time, I lodged a formal complaint at fairy headquarters, and was assured that this kind of thing would never happen again.  This was our first chance to test that promise, and I really hoped she would be able to rise to the occasion,as this was a real opportunity for her to shine.

She did great on the first night, in and out without a peep, and I woke up to a smiling child proudly holding up his $2 coin.  My confidence restored, I really didn't worry on the second night, but then that fairy witch went and did it again!!!  When I saw the look of pure disappointment and utter sadness on my son's face, I was determined to have that fairy's job!  "I think that girl's been hitting the pixie dust too hard!!!" I thought to myself.  "Wait until I get a hold of her supervisor, she's toast!"  Having lost the number for fairy headquarters, I asked my Facebook friends if any of them might have it, and you will never guess what happened next...

It turns out I'm Facebook friends with the Tooth Fairy!!!  I was convinced she must have been out drinking, but it turns out she just spends too much time farming!

She was all apologetic and stuff, really trying to avoid another formal complaint.

I was like: "While I appreciate your apology, this does not fix my poor little boy's broken heart. You know, I covered for you, fed him some story about how too many kids lost their teeth this week, but this is unacceptable and it better not happen again."

Yadiyadida... She promised to show up that night and write him a note to apologize for the blunder.  She delivered on the showing up part, but completely spaced on the note.

I was not impressed,  but my son was happy, so I let it slide.

Since things always seem to happen in threes, two days later, Mickey loses a tooth during brunch.  I put the tooth aside and we continue our meal.  After we're done, I put everything away and wipe down the table.

This is when you can probably predict where this is going...

About two hours later, I realize I don't know where the tooth is.  Oh no, oh no, what are we going to do? He'll be crushed if we tell him!  I devise a plan where we'll write her a note, apologizing, that the tooth is somewhere in the house but that we can't find it.  I decide to wait out telling Mickey, just in case we find the tooth before bedtime.

So we're sitting at dinner, and a small piece of walnut falls from my salad on to the table.  I look at it and get all excited: "Barry!  Barry!  Look!!! A tooth!"  (It really is amazing how crushed up walnuts resemble human teeth.)

He looks at me, kind of skeptical, but he decides to go with it, for lack of a better plan.  So I tell Mickey to go get his little tooth holder he got from school.  He comes running back and is all "I want to put it in!!!"

I reluctantly hand it over, worried that he'll realize how soft it is.  He holds it up, examining it, and exclaims "Wow, that's a really nice tooth, huh?!" I tried to hide my laughter and agreed with him.

My first hurdle was over, but what would the Tooth Fairy think?  Would she notice the scam?  If she did, would she refuse it?  I was so worried.  It would break my heart if I woke up to Mickey's big puppy dog eyes floating with tears.

Thankfully, she came by and accepted the walnut.  She left a note,  but it wasn't for Mickey; it was for me.

"I figured I owed you one" was all she wrote.

You know, she may be a little loopy, but maybe she isn't that bad of a Tooth Fairy after all.

Wink Wink