I spent most of my twenties wondering why I was here, what it meant, and what my purpose was in life. I didn't fear my own death as I would be gone and it wouldn't matter to me. I feared the deaths of my loved ones instead, as the thought of having to go on without them would tear me to shreds.
Then I became a mother to two beautiful, amazing boys, and I stopped asking myself those questions. I am here to be their mother and my purpose is to raise them to become good men.
I was disgusted with the world I saw around me, and I didn't want to be a part of it. I put my parents through Hell, telling them often that I wanted to die. My poor mother didn't know what to do with herself, and my father, well, I saw him cry for the first time in my life. (and maybe even the last)
There was a point where I finally became conscious of what I was doing to them, and vowed to myself to never burden them with my pain again. I stopped talking about suicide, and I stopped thinking I'd do it. Instead, I spent the next couple of years praying to God that he come get me. Weeping alone in the dark, begging Him to let me come home, as I just couldn't believe that I was actually suppose to be part of this world.
Then one day when I was nineteen and had been dating a guy for a couple of months, his fifteen year old sister was suddenly killed in a car crash.* She'd been a beautiful girl, with such a zest for life: involved in so many extra curricular activities, teaching ballet to a group of 6 year old girls, filled with dreams and aspirations.
Me, He'd left here. Her, he'd taken away.
I was completely incensed, I could not believe He would allow this to happen.
I became very angry with the world and once again, thoughts of suicide danced in my head. I even went so far as to start taking pills one day. I had a brand new bottle of 100 of my father's Tylenol with Codeine - extra strength in my hands. I felt numb, it was like I wasn't really there. I started to take the pills, one by one. I must have been at about 8 or 10 when I suddenly caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and for some reason the sight of my reflection jolted me back to reality and I burst into tears as I realized I couldn't do this, couldn't allow my parents to come home to my dead body. I closed the bottle and went to my room. I slept for quite a while, but otherwise, there were no real consequences of my actions that day.
In the years that followed, suicide became more of a companion, a romantic idea, than an actual desire. It seemed to always be there, in the back of my mind, and when the going would get tough, it would always show up. The desire to die never really left me, but the desire to do it myself passed.
When the problems would seem too big, and it all felt too hopeless, I'd be like "Oh- wait until tomorrow, maybe it will be better. If it's not, then maybe..." Somehow it was comforting to know that I had an out if I ever really just couldn't take one more drop.
Every now and then, in really dark times, the thought still crosses my mind. Obviously, I'd never ever do it, as I have a purpose, and could never abandon my sons, but it's like one of my old friends: though I don't see them every day, I never forget about them.
As I was "Stumbling" across the net the other day, I came upon this post I found most interesting on a website called the Lost Soul Companion:
(click the image for a larger view)
If you are contemplating suicide, try doing one of the things on the list above. Seek help. Talk to a friend. Drop me an email. Read one of my other posts about depression and such. Just don't give up.
It may feel like you are alone, but YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
*If you read my post "Top 5 movies that will make you cry like a baby", you now know why it was so hard for me to see white caskets in "What Dreams May Come" with Robin Williams.
PS: "Stumble" is a great new website that shows you sites it thinks you might like based on a list of interests you create. I've found some amazing things through it, you should try it to. If you decide to, add me as a friend! My user name is: feliciastevenson. I'd also appreciate if you clicked my stumble button on the left... it increases my rankings. Thank you! :)