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Wednesday, 12 October 2011

Suicide: Old Friend or Foe?

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I spent most of my twenties wondering why I was here, what it meant, and what my purpose was in life.  I didn't fear my own death as I would be gone and it wouldn't matter to me.  I feared the deaths of my loved ones instead, as the thought of having to go on without them would tear me to shreds.

Then I became a mother to two beautiful, amazing boys, and I stopped asking myself those questions.  I am here to be their mother and my purpose is to raise them to become good men. 

I started thinking about committing suicide when I had my first major depressive episode at the age of 17.

I was disgusted with the world I saw around me, and I didn't want to be a part of it.  I put my parents through Hell, telling them often that I wanted to die.  My poor mother didn't know what to do with herself, and my father, well, I saw him cry for the first time in my life. (and maybe even the last)

There was a point where I finally became conscious of what I was doing to them, and vowed to myself to never burden them with my pain again.  I stopped talking about suicide, and I stopped thinking I'd do it.  Instead, I spent the next couple of years praying to God that he come get me.  Weeping alone in the dark, begging Him to let me come home, as I just couldn't believe that I was actually suppose to be part of this world.

Then one day when I was nineteen and had been dating a guy for a couple of months, his fifteen year old sister was suddenly killed in a car crash.*  She'd been a beautiful girl, with such a zest for life: involved in so many extra curricular activities, teaching ballet to a group of 6 year old girls, filled with dreams and aspirations.  

Me, He'd left here.  Her, he'd taken away.  

I was completely incensed, I could not believe He would allow this to happen.  

I became very angry with the world and once again, thoughts of suicide danced in my head.  I even went so far as to start taking pills one day.  I had a brand new bottle of 100 of my father's Tylenol with Codeine - extra strength in my hands.  I felt numb, it was like I wasn't really there.  I started to take the pills, one by one.  I must have been at about 8 or 10 when I suddenly caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and for some reason the sight of my reflection jolted me back to reality and I burst into tears as I realized I couldn't do this, couldn't allow my parents to come home to my dead body.  I closed the bottle and went to my room.  I slept for quite a while, but otherwise, there were no real consequences of my actions that day.  

In the years that followed, suicide became more of a companion, a romantic idea, than an actual desire.  It seemed to always be there, in the back of my mind, and when the going would get tough, it would always show up.  The desire to die never really left me, but the desire to do it myself passed.  

When the problems would seem too big, and it all felt too hopeless, I'd be like "Oh- wait until tomorrow, maybe it will be better.  If it's not, then maybe..."  Somehow it was comforting to know that I had an out if I ever really just couldn't take one more drop.

Every now and then, in really dark times, the thought still crosses my mind.  Obviously, I'd never ever do it, as I have a purpose, and could never abandon my sons, but it's like one of my old friends: though I don't see them every day, I never forget about them. 

As I was "Stumbling" across the net the other day, I came upon this post I found most interesting on a website called the Lost Soul Companion

(click the image for a larger view)

If you are contemplating suicide, try doing one of the things on the list above.  Seek help.  Talk to a friend.  Drop me an email.  Read one of my other posts about depression and such. Just don't give up.  

It may feel like you are alone, but YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Much Love, 

*If you read my post "Top 5 movies that will make you cry like a baby", you now know why it was so hard for me to see white caskets in "What Dreams May Come" with Robin Williams.

PS: "Stumble" is a great new website that shows you sites it thinks you might like based on a list of interests you create.  I've found some amazing things through it, you should try it to. If you decide to, add me as a friend!  My user name is: feliciastevenson.  I'd also appreciate if you clicked my stumble button on the left... it increases my rankings.  Thank you! :)


  1. wow-its about time to see real emotional conversation about a subject that is dear to my heart-i also have lived with depression for many years and have flirted with the idea of suicide for years-but im still draggin my heels on a bitch called hope..........

  2. Those that do commit suicide suffer a torment you don't even imaging exist. Their pain is so deep that no one can save them. It takes professional treatment to prevent adult suicide, even then the many many under professional care commit suicide regardless of the support they have arround them.

  3. Thank you, Felicia, for bringing light to a subject that most try to ignore. The worst thing we can do is tell people to "just feel better" or "buck up". You are truly able to help people because you have struggled through the dark times. There will be more(there always are), but I have faith that you will never give up.

    I suffer from the same life issues, though my symptoms are different. I could relate to this post a lot. Again, thank you. =)

  4. I admire the strength you have, sharing your own personal struggles lets others know they are not alone in times when it feels like nobody could possibly always i love to read your blogs. Keep following your heart and it will lead you to your destiny.

  5. Thanks for your comments everyone. I think it's time we start breaking the barriers.

    I agree that professional help must be sought but also know from experience that being a professional doesn't mean you're competent. It's important to tell your friends and family that you love them, and tell them often... some suicides can't be prevented, but many could.

    Kristen, you are so right... I've heard "buck up" too many times in my life... I really appreciate your comment about having faith in me, I'm really touched.

    Mike, thank you so much... I love you xx

  6. I'm really glad you stuck around kid. : )

    I love you BIG!!!

    From my personal experience, there are unfortunately far too many incompetent "proffesionals".

  7. Thanks Diana, Love you bigger!

    Yes too many quacks...

  8. I've been there more times than I can count. I'm glad you're still here.

  9. P.S. I love that list. I printed it and may share it on my blog too if that's okay?

  10. Thanks Pamela! The list isn`t mine, so I`d just be sure to credit the Lost Soul Companions - and maybe even me ;)

    Hey would you consider having me do a guest post on your other blog? Something more upbeat, obviously! LOL

  11. Wow that is a powerful post. I am the same as you, since I've had kids it freaks me out if I even have the slightest thoughts of ending it all. Glad you pulled through. -Kevin

  12. Thanks Kevin - I really hope I never get to that point - I can't imagine abandoning my boys. I want them to know first hand how much I love them, and for my disorder to affect them as little as possible, not for them to be told "your mother loved you very much, she was just really sick". Screw that, that will not be my legacy!