What's more, I couldn't tell you in the least what happened during the program. Or maybe I was paying attention for the first part, but I completely missed the conclusion, so I have to rewind and watch again. Sometimes I do this more then once. It's not even because I'm not interested, I just can't seem to stop my mind from wandering.
Sometimes I'll be talking to someone and the same thing happens. I used to be such a good listener, but nowadays, it's like I've developed Attention Deficit Disorder, if that's even possible at my age. There are times where it is a great physical exertion to try and concentrate on what the other person is saying and actually absorb the information. Again, a lack of interest is not the issue, I don't know what is.
I used to be an avid reader, but sometimes I find myself re-reading the same page over and over again, because though my eyes are skimming the text, nothing is actually sinking in.
The other day, as I was reading through a wonderful blog I recently started to follow, I came upon this entry, and I thought I'd share an exert with you as it really struck a cord with me.
Bipolar II: Newly Diagnosed: Looking but not seeing; Listening but not hearing:
"We're having a conversation. I just finished speaking and now it's your turn. I'm staring right into your eyes. I'm nodding my head. It would appear that I'm in perfect control of the situation. On the surface"..."While I'm holding your gaze and nodding my head, my mind wanders. Sometimes it's thinking about what I'll be doing later, what I'd rather be doing that moment, making a mental grocery list...Mostly I'm blocking out all background noise and creating an area where nothing exists. No decisions have to be made...and I won't be able to recall any of this in mere moments. Life takes place all around me. Time passes without meaning. without feeling"..."Instances are ignored. Feelings get hurt. Tears fall. Very little control." (read the whole post by clicking above)
Obviously, I identified completely with the first part, but I think that last sentence I quoted is the one that hit me the most. I know my loved ones are hurt when they try to speak to me and realize I'm not truly listening. I know it makes them feel like I don't care. I realize they probably think that what they're saying isn't important to me. That is so not the case.
I hate how disconnected I can feel from everyone & everything at times.
This post alleviated some of the guilt and even shame I feel about this issue, though I know it may be of little comfort to the people who feel unheard. I suppose it's a symptom - or common trait - that goes with Bipolar disorder?
I tell myself: "oh I'll call this person, or I'll go visit another", but time passes me by as I'm lost in my own mind, which is not always a good place to be. Days turn into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years. Old friendships fall to the wayside, and though my feelings don't change for the person being neglected, I guess their own feelings eventually are hurt or just die away.
It was a hard reality to face when I started this blog, that many people I still considered near and dear friends though I didn't see or speak to them very often didn't feel the same way about me, or feel the need to be supportive anyway. I suppose it's more than understandable, but it hurts nonetheless.
I keep hemming an awing over how to conclude this post, so let me just say this:
"If at some point in time I neglected you, or hurt your feelings by seemingly not paying attention to you, I'm truly sorry, and please know that if I loved you once, I love you still. Even if we parted ways in anger."
For more on my struggles with Bipolar disorder, check out these other posts:
For a wandering mind you did a fine job of conveying what you feel and express yourself very well.
ReplyDeleteI know what it's like to not be "focused" when talking to be. Where their words are in one ear and out the other for the most part. To where relationships would struggle and fall apart because there was a lack of connection with verbal intimacy and closeness. Even though on my part that was not true.
I think a lot of that not having mental clarity was because of medicines for anxiety and depression and being off of the them helped me to be able to focus better and be able to concentrate with conversations and in my life.
You have really described a lot of what I feel about my bipolar. I have learned to deal with my highs and lows from http://onlineceucredit.com/edu/social-work-ceus-ba. I have been able to get to a more normal life. I hope this is helpful for you.
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