I've had this draft sitting in my box since May 24 of last year. I decided to share it with you because of how far I've come since I wrote it.
I'd like to think it might give other people dealing with Mental Health issues a little bit of hope. After all, if I'm doing better... why couldn't you?
So this was me, one short year ago. Me, depressed and thinking I had nothing left to give and would never be able to hold a job ever again.
"Will I ever be functional again?" (original title)
"It's been a year and a half. I should have snapped out of this already, but I can't.
I'm not depressed every day. I have good days and bad, but when I think about having to return to work, I lose it inside.
The thing is, being off, I haven't had the stress of dealing with work. For most people, getting the kids ready and off to school, putting in an eight hour day, picking up the kids, making dinner, giving baths, reading stories and singing a million lullabies is exhausting, but for me, it's more than that: it's completely draining.
When Sunday night rolls around, I find myself completely depressed, sobbing uncontrollably because I can't bear the thought of doing it all again.
The biggest problem is that I have done it, but I just can't seem to do it for a sustained period. It inevitably leads to me falling back into depression.
This has happened so many times over the past few years that I just feel like repeating the same scenario will lead to the same disaster.
I need a job that allows me a lot of flexibility, and I just don't know what that is on a high school diploma, considering I need to make at least the same amount of money to maintain our lifestyle, which I live in fear of losing."
What a contrast that was with how I'm doing now!
Here I am, one year later, feeling strong and anxiety-free. Taking a business course, preparing to open my own restaurant, and embracing the endless possibilities the future holds for me.
Did you hear that? Anxiety free! There was a time when I couldn't imagine a world in which I wasn't completely riddled with anxiety. Now I can barely remember what a panic attack feels like. I am doing better now than I have in fifteen years.
When I read my draft, I see that I had completely lost hope. Well, thank goodness hope decided to reach out and find me.
Don't give up: there is always a light, even if the tunnel seems never-ending.