I'd like to think it might give other people dealing with Mental Health issues a little bit of hope. After all, if I'm doing better... why couldn't you?
So this was me, one short year ago. Me, depressed and thinking I had nothing left to give and would never be able to hold a job ever again.
"Will I ever be functional again?" (original title)
"It's been a year and a half. I should have snapped out of this already, but I can't.
I'm not depressed every day. I have good days and bad, but when I think about having to return to work, I lose it inside.
The thing is, being off, I haven't had the stress of dealing with work. For most people, getting the kids ready and off to school, putting in an eight hour day, picking up the kids, making dinner, giving baths, reading stories and singing a million lullabies is exhausting, but for me, it's more than that: it's completely draining.
When Sunday night rolls around, I find myself completely depressed, sobbing uncontrollably because I can't bear the thought of doing it all again.
The biggest problem is that I have done it, but I just can't seem to do it for a sustained period. It inevitably leads to me falling back into depression.
This has happened so many times over the past few years that I just feel like repeating the same scenario will lead to the same disaster.
I need a job that allows me a lot of flexibility, and I just don't know what that is on a high school diploma, considering I need to make at least the same amount of money to maintain our lifestyle, which I live in fear of losing."
Here I am, one year later, feeling strong and anxiety-free. Taking a business course, preparing to open my own restaurant, and embracing the endless possibilities the future holds for me.
Did you hear that? Anxiety free! There was a time when I couldn't imagine a world in which I wasn't completely riddled with anxiety. Now I can barely remember what a panic attack feels like. I am doing better now than I have in fifteen years.
When I read my draft, I see that I had completely lost hope. Well, thank goodness hope decided to reach out and find me.
Don't give up: there is always a light, even if the tunnel seems never-ending.
Much Love,
Felicia
Thank you. I needed some hope today <3
ReplyDeleteAh Rose, your words touch me more than I can say. If I can help even just one person, than I know that what I'm doing is worth doing. Thank you. Hold on to hope and cling to it for dear life... One of these days it will lead you right out of the darkness.
ReplyDeleteI'm crying as I type this. I feel so messed up inside I can't get it together. And yet, every day, I do. I have to. But it's a struggle for me. Lately, it's been getting worse, and it scares me. I don't want to spiral down that abyss again. Reading you post tonight, gives me hope and restores my faith that maybe I too, can be happy and anxiety attack free. What's so weird about this is that I am able to go to work and do my job, but inside, I'm dying slowly. I cry all the time. I can't get my emotions in check. And that's what is driving me insane. Literally it would seem. I'm seeing someone on a weekly basis, to help me sort out the chaos in my mind. And I have my small but very supportive support system at home. For now, for me, it's one day at a time. -I'm so glad you are doing so well now and your future is full of wonderful things. :)
ReplyDeleteAh, Yvonne, you are always so funny and vibrant, I had no idea what you were going through. I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling, but glad to know you are seeing someone to help you sort out your emotions. Therapy can be painful, but also incredibly helpful, and I am sure you will come out stronger when the darkness finally starts to subside. Until then, one day at a time is all you can do, and try to find small ways to cheer yourself up. A new nail polish, and hour spent doing something you love, a long hot bath, whatever it is that helps you get through the day. Meanwhile, know that I, and many of your readers I'm sure, am always here to lend an ear, or send a cyber hug. Hang in there, and thank you for your kind words, I am truly touched.
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