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Thursday, 16 May 2013

Note To Self

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Dear Felicia,

It's me, Felicia.  Yes, I'm you.

"You do realise you're writing to yourself, don't you?"  You ask, slightly concerned that I've completely lost touch with reality and am experiencing a whole new level of psychosis.

Don't worry, you're OK; we're OK, and the method to my madness will become clear shortly.

"Um, 'K, care to elaborate?" you ask skeptically.

Yes, I will elaborate for you: 

I think you know there's always been two of us in here, that we've always struggled with our duality

I feel like lately though, we've been drifting apart more and more, to the point where we've become two separate entities sharing a body...  You've become so distant, and I worry that our lines of communication have been severely damaged. 

I think we can repair this damage with little to no lasting consequences, but we must act fast.

The thing is, I remember how smart, strong and confident you are, and you know how weak and lazy I am, so what I really don't understand is: why are you letting me lead?! 

I think it's high time that you to take back the reigns.

Remember that time you tracked down your company's CEO while he was on vacation in Hawaii so you could get a check signed and avoid some contractor putting a lean on your building?  Remember the look on your VP's face when he found out what you'd done?  Do you remember shrugging and simply stating "I got the check, didn't I?" in response to his disbelieving "You did what?!".

I know what you were like, before they stole your light, or before you let them take it. 

You were always such a fighter, what's happened to you?  I know it's been difficult.  I know it's always been a struggle, and that it's only gotten worse since that fateful day of your initial diagnosis.

I know it's been hard for you to accept, and that I've dragged you down many times, but I also know that you are stronger than me.  Than all of this.

You've learnt a lot throughout the past ten years.  I know, much of what you've learnt has been "what not to do", but even those are valuable life lessons that you have grown from. I fear you've become too complacent though. 

Accepting your limitations has lead you to dismiss your possibilities, and you've been looking at this all wrong.

Yes, you have limitations.  Yes, we deal with a mental health illness that sometimes takes over both of us and leaves us paralysed, but you seem to have allowed yourself to believe that you should be limited because of your limitations... And I'm writing you to tell you how wrong you are.

There are obstacles on every path to success.  Everyone's hurdles are different, but anyone who succeeds does so because they faced their hurdles head on, not by running in the opposite direction.

Mind over Matter.

Remember how angry you used to get at Dad when he'd say that to you?  Granted, he used it too much.  He acted like you could stop your migraines and your depression yourself - if you really wanted to.  I know that's not true.  I know you wouldn't allow yourself to suffer if there was anyway you could stop it.

However there is still some truth to that statement.  You are one of the most strong willed women I have ever met, and while you jokingly use the sentence "My will be done" when things go your way, I don't think you understand how true that statement is.

You have the power.

Depression will come again.  Migraines will hit at the most inopportune times. But to let these things dictate your whole life? 

Now that's insanity.

So, my dear Felicia, I hope you hear my message loud and clear.  I hope I struck a chord within you, and that you decide to come back to who you truly are and who you are meant to be.

Much Love,

PS: All artwork by and property of Felicia-May Stevenson
PPS: comment on my post, but also feel free to comment about my images :)
PPPS: I don't really have anything else to say, just felt like I was on a roll.

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