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Friday, 6 February 2015

My plea for help on Go fund me - An update with context

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Update and context: An ex colleague of mine commented in a very condescending way yesterday that times are hard for everyone, and that it would be unwise to plan on "solely this campaign" to provide for my family, and proceeded to give me with the link to indeed (a job search engine).

What can I say? It was to be expected, I suppose, but I wouldn't have expected it from this source.  It has lead me to want to explain a few things about myself.  

I was diagnosed with my first depression when I was 17.

And then again and again until I left a job for disability at 23 and my doc sent me to a psychiatrist.

Then my life spiraled out of control for a few years as I went from one job to another, starting off strong but inevitably running in to problems at some point (in hindsight, many were of my own creation, but I couldn't see that at the time.)

I ended up feeling stigmatized, and the pain of repeatedly rising to stardom only to fall lower than the pits in the esteem of various co-workers and bosses was becoming difficult to pick up and dust off with each additional "failure".

It was the same story over and over again.  I don't have a university degree and everything I know is pretty much self-taught so until a few years ago, I really wasn't qualified on paper to do anything more than administrative work or customer service, so especially now that I had children, it was important for me to have a good job and good benefits.  

I did a stint in the restaurant business between my diagnosis and before I had the  boys - I loved it. I really did. Except I couldn't handle it. Much too nervous, much too sensitive, managers on a power trip had me in tears at least once a week.

So back to the office life I went, thinking this time it will be different.

You know that's the definition of insanity right, doing the same thing, over and over again, expecting different results?

Yet there I was, try #8 at the office life, thinking this time it would be different.

My boss (the lady who'd hired me) was gone on vacation for the first entire month when I started there.  They gave me nothing to do for that entire month.  Except get the mail I think.

Going stir crazy isn't even the word for it, but I had to leave my desk to escape to the elevators and get away from the building as I was unable to stop the tears that had popped up in my eyes as I looked around my well paying prison cell with benefits.

When my boss finally came back from vacation, she walked in to our pod to find me reading a book (I didn't have shops back then, I had to do something to keep from losing my mind!)

She was a funny, abrupt and painfully frank woman and she said dryly to me "You're reading a book?" with a hint of indignation.   When I quietly told her it was because I had nothing to do, she exclaimed "Well go home then if you have nothing to do!"

There was a chance this would become a permanent position, the holy grail of all positions, so my eyes instantly welled up with tears and I told her I didn't want to go home, I wanted her to give me something to do.

After poop was distributed for having had me sit there for so long dying of boredom, life suddenly changed drastically.  Boss lady was a trip, and when it was discovered that I was smart, they almost had a party and started to finally throw work at me.

It still wasn't enough to keep me busy all day, so I started showing some initiative, since it had been said that the executive assistant needed help.

The director took a liking to me and decided to offer me her assistant's position while she left for mat leave.  

Boss lady made me take the position, but I didn't want to leave her.  I would have filed papers until I was 55 if it meant I got to spend my work days with her... but thank goodness, it was time for her to retire. (in the sense that I may never have left and look at all that I never could have discovered.)

I cried on the day she left, but it had already been months since I'd left her team.  I was with the director now, and she really liked me.  We were like friends, and she listened to me.  I really trusted her.

I was going through some really intense personal issues and having a very hard time handling my health issues, two young children, a high pressured  job and extenuating problems.  

I was breaking down in tears randomly at the office, overwhelmed by things that were suppose to be so easy for me. We had gone from being 3 admins to 1, and while I could've handled it at full speed, at that point it was just too much.

It had gotten to the point where I was throwing up every morning before work so I asked my boss to chat. I wanted to know if she would advance me a week off, as I really needed to rest.

She was unhappy, and I decided to reveal my deepest darkest truth to her.  I told her about my diagnosis.

She responded by telling my that she was removing me from my position and returning me to my old clerk position.

I was devastated.  It was like she had just punched me in the stomach.  I couldn't believe what I'd just heard and the fact that I'd thought that we were friends just made it sting more.

I walked out of her office that day, grabbed my purse and my coat and left... and it was almost two years before I could even consider the idea of being able to work on a regular basis without having a complete and total meltdown.

I felt empty.  Drained.  Dumb.  I had tried every which way to make myself fit into that box and failed.  

At some point I started my blog.  I felt like I'd been wronged, I felt misunderstood, and I wanted to say my peace, whether the intended party got to read it or not.

I didn't know it at the time, but the day I started that blog was the day I started to find my true self again.

I was on disability for severe depression, and was being eaten alive by anxiety.  I remember yelling at the poor woman who'd been assigned my rehabilitation "don't you understand? I can't do this again!!!  It's freaking going to kill me!"  crying and ranting... seriously, poor woman... I'm sorry if you're reading this!

It was almost two years before I started to see the light.

For one, after over 15 years of trial and error, my psychiatrist and doctor finally found the right medication combination for me and I was actually living anxiety free, for the first time I could remember, in my entire life.

When I first found out that my cushy, allegedly permanent job was being cut, my knee jerk reaction was to be upset - but then I remembered that I hated that job in the first place and started to think that maybe it was the time to take the money and run (my other options were not appealing at all!)

I started thinking to myself that I would just combine all of my talents and somehow make a living that way.

I was thrilled when I was selected to participate in a class for women wanting to start a business.

They were going to teach us how to develop our business plan, but I got so much more.  I completely rediscovered myself and started to remember all that I was capable of.

In the past year and a half, I have blossomed.  I grow stronger and more confident in my role as a business woman day by day.

My time fairy business was coming along nicely, but is not performing nearly as strongly as I hoped it would, especially in December.  However I have plans to move this business in a good direction that should prove to be fruitful, both for this business as well as for enlarging my social media following. 

The face painting business was my breadwinner from May to December (except November!) but I have no doubts it will pick up again with the season, and I'll be in an even better position this year to do well over the summer. 

 Since launching my storenvy shop on January 1, I have designed and created listings for over 1500 products over five stores (two of which I set up from scratch) and taken pics of existing inventory to post jewelry listings as well as working on a couple of custom orders, handling 3 blogs, 2 etsy accounts, 12 social media accounts and my other two businesses...

To say that I am relying solely on this campaign is inaccurate.

To be clear, I know that times are hard for everyone.  Everyone has their own sob story, and mine isn't any better that anyone else's.

But you know what?  I've been the first to help people most of my life.  I've given money to many causes, helped out many friends, and even sometimes enemies, just because they needed it and I could.

So at the moment it's my turn to need help, more than I ever have before. I've worked hard, but as sole bread winner for the past few months, it just hasn't been enough.

You don't have to help me.  I won't judge you at all.  You might decide my cause isn't worthy enough, and that's ok, because there are people every where that are in need.   

But they say "ask and ye shall receive", so here I am humbly asking, because while I'm so incredibly grateful for the help received so far that allowed  me to make my car payment, my phone or my internet or both might be cut off this week... and that just won't be good for business now will it? 

I'm in a bind and need help to catch up and get through this cash flow crunch.

So maybe you'll decide you do want to help, just because you believe in me, or my talent, or think my kids are cute, or just because... for whatever reason, thank you so much.

Many might think "wow she has no shame asking for help this way", but let me tell you, as humbling as it is having to ask for help, I will do any darn thing I can think of to keep from declaring bankruptcy  and losing my businesses and the bright future they hold for our entire family.  I will not go down without a fight!  

Someday this will be just another chapter in the book..

Please consider donating, every bit helps.

PS... being reminded that it seems as if some people are just sitting aroung waiting to see me fall flat on my face... just makes me want to fight even harder to prove that I can do it.... so you know, thanks.

this is what I had originally written...

I have poured my heart and soul into my businesses. Worked so many long hours. Neglected my friends and family. I poured all of my energies into making these businesses a success and gaining financial independence, if not even comfort. 

I wanted a better life for my kids, one where I had money to put them in after school activities, or even take them out for cool family outings. I wanted a career that was my own, a destiny that I could write for myself. I told them we were sacrificing for a better life. I told them that you could accomplish anything if you worked really hard for it. 

I wanted it so badly, and I believed in it so completely, that I continued to advance blindly, ignoring the danger signs around me. My husband was I'll and hasn't worked since October. November and December sales were very disappointing... Still I kept advancing, while the bills continued to pile up. 

I couldn't (or refused to) see any other outcome than success. I was convinced I'd get a minor miracle, a huge order would come in, something!

But now I've walked too far, and I find myself standing at the edge of a precipice.  I'm now in a situation where I could lose everything, and soon, if that miracle I've been praying for doesn't happen within the next few days. 

I can't bare the thought of telling my two boys that I've failed, but I will have failed, if I don't find help and fast. 

I know now I can make a success story out of these companies, but I need more time, and in this case time really is money. At this point, I need a few thousand just to catch up, but I'm really hoping to get enough funds so that I can order samples of all my fantastic new designs and really promote this line. I have ideas I'd like to develop for my other companies as well, but those too will require funds...

I really hope you will decide to help me, you can donate any amount you want, and even if it's two dollars, I appreciate your gesture more than I can say. 

Please help me save my family and my dreams!

One of a kind polymer clay jewelry and accessories.

Unique designer fashions and accessories

my facebook page 

my face painting business 

the time fairy, personal assistant and shopping services 

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