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Sunday, 10 June 2012

Remembering What Counts

Pin It I've been given many blessings in my life.

From "Her Wings" 
  • I was lucky enough to get parents who love me unconditionally and have always done everything they could to help / support me.
  • I was given a sister so that later on in life, when we have to suffer their loss, we'll have each other and know that at least one other person knows exactly how much pain we are in at that moment. (It's honestly the thing that scares me most in life. I just can't imagine this world without them in it.)
  • I was given intelligence, and talents.
  • I was given beauty. I may not be the most beautiful woman in the room, but I'm never the ugliest. Is that vain? Yes, I'm sure it is... But it's honest, and I bet you worry about that too, so don't judge.
  • I was miraculously lucky to be given people in my life that love me and support me despite the fact that I'm sometimes unlovable, or down right mean, though I don't intend to be.
  • I was given the most amazing best friend a girl could ever ask for.
  • I was sent a man who may have been a challenge to say the least, but for some reason, loves me so completely that he turned his entire life around for me and pursued me relentlessly until I took him back and we are building a good life together.
  • I was given the biggest blessing life has to offer: two beautiful children I don't deserve, but try hard to every day.

This disease. This damned freaking disease. My bipolar disorder eclipses everything and makes me forget about all of those things.

There are times when all I see is black. I'm angry at the world, and instead of reminding myself of the good, I fixate on the bad. I'm so sick of depression. Over and over... the wheel turns and comes full circle, I can't seem to escape.

I live in fear. Anxiety has a grip on me that just never seems to go away for very long. I'm paralyzed by my fears and don't know how to break free. I'm always worried... About the kids, my friends, the world, money, the future, what I'm going to do with my life, car accidents, war, home invasions, kidnappings; you name it, I'm worried about it.

The problem is that I'm so dang worried about life that I have stopped living it.

I need to let go of the past and stop torturing myself over things that are history. I need to give myself a swift kick in the a** and get back to living.

First step? ummmmm I'll have to get back to you on that...


  1. What are you passionate about? Remember when you met that special person who made everything else okay. You are capable of amazing things. Your talent is evident all over this site. The question is what makes you the happiest? Does your art nag at you when you don't give it the attention it demands? The next step is to do what makes you happy! All of your fears will subside and become distant whispers once you do.

    Go do that thing you have been putting off. It's making you unhappy.

    ...and don't forget to share! :-)

  2. Thank you so much anonymous, I can't tell you how much your kind words mean to me.

  3. Thank you so much anonymous, I can't tell you how much your kind words mean to me.

  4. Knowing deeply the demons which haunt you I sympathize. AS crazy as it sounds I see the negative side of me as a separate entity that sometimes takes over and whispers lies in your ears. Lies that sound so much like truth that one gets confused. The trick is to find a way to ignore the demon and chase it away. Finding your passions like anonymous said and pursuing them with abandon can definitely help. If you eventually figure it out... please share...

    PS, I like storms too!